Last night was okay. One Tree Hill was bland. I had spicy chicken enchaladas. I went to Wal-mart with dad. It was a full moon. That was the only beautiful thing. I saw a girl from my Accounting class at Wal-mart. She's the one who knows Stephanie & her family. I also saw another one of my ex-bestfriends. She's lost weight. Wonder if I was the inspiring factor? She didn't speak; she just snarled. I also saw some kids from HCA and another guy from HTS. Drab night. Very drab.
I can't help but be caught up in petty things like what I'm going to wear. I planned to wear today my purple blazer and light purple shirt. It looked like shit when I tried it on. I switched it for my maroon-pink blazer and grey shirt trimmed in pink. I wore my black jeans and my alligator snout boots. That's what I call them at least even if it does sounds funny. Tomorrow I plan to dress down in my royal blue shirt, royal blue jeans, grey New Balance shoes, and grey jacket. Friday I'll wear my green shirt with lace if I can get it back from Momma's. I'll also dig out my gold jewelry and really bling-bling it up.
My dad and June went to bed early last night so at 9 o'clock I decided to pretend to take a shower. I turned on the water and set down on the toilet with the lid down. It was my cry time, but I could shed but a couple of tears. I was just so mad that I couldn't cry. I knew there was only one thing left to do: give up. I give up; I give up; I give up. I quit; I quit; I quit. I planned out what to say to Blake. I decided to throw away guys for good. Forever. It's not like I have anything real to throw away besides my hopes, dreams, and wants. They just can't exist anymore. They only make me miserable. I can't take it anymore. It's best if I give up. If I have no hope, there is no room for disapointment. There's only room for improvement or excitement.
I've been coming up with little lines to songs in my head. I scurry to write them down and I currently only have the back of a Wal-Mart receipt to write them on.
"Everybody's talking something I don't understand;
Everybody's doing something but it's not part of the plan."
"Have you ever been hurt?
Have you ever been down?
Have you ever been defeated?
Have you ever been pushed around?
Ever felt like no one was there for you?
Well, I do too.
Well, I do too.
Feel so forgotten..."
Since I'm in psychology, the better half of my brain suggests these mere lyrics suggest I am feeling strong emotions of loneliness and seclusion. I'd say Dr. Olivia is right on the money.
Dying To Be Queen - Tuesday, Sept. 28, 2004
This Movie Sucks. - Monday, Sept. 27, 2004
The Short Side of Things - Monday, Sept. 27, 2004
It Follows Me - Sunday, Sept. 26, 2004
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